Funerals Suck

I hate funerals. I hate them so much that I have actually skipped a couple that I should probably have gone to. My absence has caused, on more than one occasion, my mother to be a bit upset with me. But that’’s alright because I just can’’t stand funerals.

Here’’s why:

First of all, this whole nonsense of grieving is the human ego throwing a pity party over the fact that it now has to redefine itself. Since an impermanent, unsatisfactory, insubstantial attachment that it once used to define itself is no longer extant, the ego goes into crisis mode over how to deal with this new state of affairs. I guess you could say it has to redefine itself. So, to me, accommodating grief is accommodating the human ego; and I don’’t particularly want to.

Secondly, funeral processions are an intrusive, unnecessary inconvenience to drivers out there who don’t care about who died or the mourners who happen to be playing the ego’’s bitch. Why should other people be delayed over someone else’’s death? The fact of the matter is they shouldn’’t be.

Thirdly, there’’s this matter of what is expected of one to say to the deceased’’s family. There is a standardized, implicit, unspoken-but-well-known short list from which to choose. Four common statements come to mind:

1. “If there’’s anything I can do for you, please just let me know.”
2. “He/She was a good man/woman.”
3. “Well, he/she is in a better place. He/She is no longer suffering.”
4. I’m sorry for your loss.

One has to say something to the family; and, really, I guess the above statements can’’t not be recited, because really there’’s nothing else you can say. My problem is that by the time one gets around to stating this same old stuff, the grieving family has probably heard this nonsense thirty or forty times. They have to be tired of hearing it.

Also, it is expected that one “dress up” or look nice. People can’’t just show up in what they would normally wear because that would be considered disrespectful to the family. So we have to hunt down a tie, a dress shirt, a pair of slacks, and some dress shoes. Many of us haven’’t dressed like that since the last funeral we went to.

Then there is the cost factor. As of the posting date of this entry, the average cost of a funeral is about $10,000! What a ripoff!

Disingenuity is also a factor in my dislike of the funeral process. I know this will sound bad, but except for my friend Rob’’s parent’’s funerals, I haven’t actually cared about the grief the family was going through. I was truly concerned about him because we have known each other since we were little kids. But, for the most part, my attitude towards most grieving families is, ““Hmm……well, they’ll get over it. I can’t wait to get out of here and change into some clothes that are actually comfortable.””

Last of all, I think the whole standard coffin funeral is sickening. We take a dead body, drain the blood, fill it full of chemicals, put makeup on it’s face, neck, and hands, and then put it on display for the world to see. It just seems weird to me.

Hopefully, I will only have two more funerals to deal with before I kick the bucket. As for me, I’’m being cremated and having my ashes dumped either in a lake or in some woods somewhere. It seems a bit more natural and civilized than the other option.  I don’t even want a service. Let ‘’em take me wherever they’re going to dump me, say a couple of words if they wish, and be done with it. I’m not going to know any different.

About Professor Twist

I'm just a regular guy who likes to write about that which I find interesting. I am keeping my identity undisclosed because I am a small business owner and am well known in the community I serve.